… And here we see a pigeon. The pigeon is the world’s fattest, ugliest bird: covered in a veil of disgusting grey disease and filled with powdery ash. Pigeons were invented the year I was born to make each day gross. They are air-born factories that produce and export only shit. Shit that rains from the sky, attacking me whenever I am wearing a suit to an important meeting. Possibly a meeting with an ex-girlfriend whom I am still in love with. Everyone please watch as I try to kick it. I am going to try to kick this pigeon, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh fly away, pigeon! Use your demon wings to carry you, like the wind struggling to pick up a water balloon filled with a child’s pee. I am in hell.